Thursday, December 31, 2009

As 2009 Draws to a Close...

I know...I know...I've been such a pathetic blogger. No matter how I try to elucidate it no explanation would suffice to excuse my prolonged absence from the blogosphere. If I point the finger at those blasted voices that always got the better of me, the blame would still be on me, right? Right. 
Being a messed up perfectionist is never easy. Despite my desire to just let myself write freely as the thoughts come, those voices at the back of my head always won me over. Beleaguered with my burdening affinity with details, the first concern that rings loudly in my consciousness is that of making mistakes. As a writer and editor, foolproof and effective writing was, is, and will always be my foremost objective. 
Compared to the actual writing I do, blogging is considerably informal and needless to say, much less complicated. I know that grammar and all the overwrought rules surrounding it are not the be-all and end-all of writing. Style, on the other hand, is something inherent that could only be harnessed through persistent practice. What matters is the expression and the willingmess to allow that voice to just take over and spill forth in all its glory. Wow. How dramatic. 
But I was obtuse. I listened to those **** voices. 
As 2009 draws to a close, once again I find myself at a new yet all too familiar crossroad. New Year's eve has always been a major turning-point  in most people's lives: a time for evaluation of the past while eagerly anticipating the future. Lonely, dulled by the monotony of my droning existence, and unable to fulfill most of my plans for the past year, I am again confronted by this question: What am I going to do with my life?
To start off my rationalization. I shall contemplate on Bejamin Franklin's famous quote about the New Year:
Be always at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let each new year find you a better man.
I have no real vices unless my occasional binge-eating(It strikes whenever I'm stressed out which is quite often actually) falls into this category. If it does, then I guess that is the only real vice I have long been struggling against but to no avail. In terms of being at peace with my neighbors, I do not have any real enemy save for myself. Why? The fact that I could not keep myself from hating my old man every time he lashes out at us due to his botched personality is the most powerful explanation behind my failure at being a good daughter and the best person I want myself to be..and this is why I consider myself my own worst enemy. Thus, I don't see myself as the better woman I should be. Sitting here before my netbook pondering about life, my life to be exact, 7 hours before the arrival of 2010, I could hardly glance at my own reflection. 
It's not enough that I have these undesirable flabs hanging out of my body, giving it that repulsive beehive shape. I have to be such a failure at managing my own temper and my life as a whole.

Yet I desperately want to be a better woman. Not just for myself but for the important people in my life. I'm not going to list down another batch of resolutions. All I am going to do is close my eyes. take a deep breath, and plunge in... I can't go on living life like this. I don't want to be shamed in front of God should the time come for me to show Him what I have made of the gifts He has given me. I am a lunatic with a messiah complex of sorts, but I only want to do what needs to be done: to forge ahead and do what is right. 
So no more elaborate planning and wishful thinking. It's about time I get my act together and start taking my life into my own hands. Change has to come. Change has to be embraced. So be it.

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