No Choice

My mind has been droning as usual. Going to work these days has been such a chore that I literally feel sick upon waking, thus I always end up contemplating on whether to drag my weary butt off to work or not. And since I have bills to pay(quite a hefty amount actually), I need not divulge what option I take most of the time. It's so obvious. But let me get this straight: I may have started to become lackadaisical toward my job, but it does not mean to say that I have totally abandoned my passion for writing and of course, art. No. Never. 


Even in the midst of finishing tasks at the office, fantasies still intrude every once so often. Absurd as it is, but while I'm head bent on finishing an article, thoughts of myself making my own illustrated novel flit in and out of my consciousness. Although it really bugs me when my concentration is interrupted, I could not keep my thoughts still. In between words, I would wonder how it would be like if I were in the midst of penning my story instead of trying to creatively present an otherwise boring topic using cleverly arranged words, so as to attract and hold my intended readers' attention. 


Because of the constant interruption, my steady flow of thoughts would eventually peter out until I find myself driven into a wall: unable to continue yet struggling in vain to pick up from where I left off(luckily, I still manage to wrap everything up without damaging the quality of my work). And now as I finish this post while battling the effects of the melatonin sleeping pill(natural and with hardly any side effects if I'm not mistaken) I took more than 45 minutes ago, I begin to wonder whether the chills would strike again and awaken me during mid-sleep. When that happens, I already know what to expect: that dreaded feverish feeling again overwhelming my senses, tearing me apart once more, forcing me to hastily choose between staying in bed or dragging myself to work for yet another droning day at the office. 


I have bills to pay, my life to support, and parents to help care for. With these on my shoulders, I do not think I really have any kind of choice to begin with. For now, maybe yes. But in the future...I'll just have to wait and see if fate would finally grant me the choice to turn things around for the better.

Picture courtesy of http://g-ecx.images-amazon.com