I have a lot of things going on in my mind right now. Honestly, these past few weeks, the anxiety and insecurity have been nibbling at my sanity that at best, all I could do after work was to drown them by playing Facebook games. Today, I started to continue working on one of my unfinished paintings which my mother hung on the wall by the staircase. I started this a couple of years back if I'm not mistaken. But it wasn't until this morning, after having slept the entire evening(I absented myself from work last night due to a migraine attack) that I finally got around to working on it again. Talk about procrastination to the max lol!
Feeling jittery and uncomfortable, I proceeded to paint. I have been wanting to mix acrylics and gouache, but my acrylic set is missing four color tubes. So I just decided to use gouache only and that was when I found out that unlike acrylic, this medium applies more thickly and is harder to blend. Oh, well, we'll see what turns out when I'm done. Meanwhile, I'll post pictures of the painting's progress to give you an idea how it's coming along.
Thank God, I did some freewriting prior to blogging tonight. Somehow, the exercise has given me a little confidence to forge on with what I want to do which is what I am doing right now after so many attempts to get moving and keep my mind away from the drone of playing computer games. For starters, I guess I would begin to talk about three things I dislike and like about myself. Also, I think that it would also be good to balance this by discussing three things that I am anxious about or afraid of(with the exclusion of paranormal stuff and the likes that is). And to round off this little exercise, I would jot down three things I should be thankful for and three things that I am hopeful for.
At 34, I feel so old already. Even if nothing much has really taken place in my life I feel as if the enthusiasm and interest are slowly slipping away from me. I do hope not. Let me just consider this as a lull, a temporary plateau of sickening boredom that gives a false impression of hopelessness. So to get the ball rolling, I might as well revive my own flagging spirits to keep the passionate naturally quirky me alive.With a current state of mind that exhaustingly darts from one place to the next, I'm pretty sure that self-critical voice at the back of my head could easily fool me into believing that I am just going to botch this whole post if I dare start on it. And in order to keep that voice silent and under my control, I have to do this pick-me-up exercise before I can thoroughly discuss other more substantial matters. It does well to fight off the rising sleepiness and sluggishness. What is more, starting my blogging in this format is one good way, I think, to help open myself up and relax this messed up head of mine.
Hmmmm...I t make sense, doesn't it? Let me cut all this dilly-dallying and get started with this. Maybe you can also try this exercise for yourself. Although it guarantees no drastic changes, it may be able to help unburden you, even if only for a short while. So, let's get it on, shall we?
I like myself for:
1. Being me. I know I've been having this lifelong love-hate relationship with myself, but what the heck? I am my perfectly imperfect self. Perfect in the sense that I am fashioned after my own mold, a state of perfection following a set of uniquely individualized standards solely intended for me and only me; and imperfect because if I were to measure up to others' standards, I'm pretty sure my value would vary greatly and accordingly depending on whose specific standards we're talking about.
2. Being human. It's good to know that I too have my own cross to bear just like everybody else because it gives me a reason to move forward and continue with my struggles. I may be going around in circles or even in the wrong direction, but without something to be stressed about, life would be one BIG BORE. What do you think?
3. Being crazy. By saying crazy, I am referring to the intricate nature and individualized character that is myself. There is nothing lofty nor self-deprecating about admitting that a person is crazy. It is simply a connotative generalized term implying the total package of one's individuality, which includes both his positive and negative traits.
I dislike myself for:
1. Being a procrastinator. I really hate it when I let sluggishness get the better of me.
2. Having little self-discipline. If an almost absent self-discipline does not account for a waistline increase of more than 8 inches...No, let me be more precise: an additional 8 inches to my waistline and more than 20 lbs. weight increase, I don't know what would.
3. Being unable to keep myself from digging up the past. I know, I know...It is suicide to keep unearthing old, painful memories because doing so would only make the wounds bleed again. Try as I might, there are moments when these blasted memories just come barging into my consciousness. And every time they do they always bring back the pain and other negative feelings I felt back then.
I am afraid of::
1. Emptiness. No meaning or anything is just as good as not existing at all.
2. Yielding to the fear. Admitting that I am afraid is different from yielding to the fear. tough times call for courage. Life for me is a matter of sink or swim. And for now, I definitely do not want to get dragged down to its frigid depths.
3. Losing my freedom to think freely. It is enough that I abide by the rules that govern our very social existence. The freedom to think freely is the only way I could fulfill my essence of being. To be deprived of it is just as good as being condemned to death.
I am thankful for:
1. My family. Although my family is more like the unpredictable and quirky Simpsons than the picture perfect Flanders, I am still grateful that we are still complete though my folks are not in good terms most of the time.
2. My God-given talents. They may be the reason why I am always battling a tidal wave of emotions every now and then, but without them I can't imagine how my existence would be possible.
3. The present. Living, breathing, struggling, and thriving in the here and now means that I've survived the obstacles of the past and has been granted yet another wonderful chance at charting my own future.
I am hopeful for:
1. A typhoon and earthquake free country. We have enough personal troubles of our own already. These natural catastrophes has blanketed the entire country with fear.
2. Seriously; world peace, better world economy, a normal climate, and an illness-epidemic-free world.
3. An unrelenting drive to pursue my passions. Using my abilities is something I owe to God and myself.
Here is a photo of my new painting. It has no title yet though, and I'm still planning to use found objects and other mediums aside from gouache. This is supposed to be horizontal not vertical. I don't understand why it uploaded it like that when it's horizontal in my file.