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Today, I pay the graveyard where the fragments of my badly shattered and already deadened heart lies. I am still warm, breathing, and very much alive. My passions for my art and writing stay intact. So does my affection for the important people in my life. But my hopes for renewing that lovelorn heart has long gone to oblivion. For more than a year now, I have turned my eyes away from romance, thinking that there is no hope or whatsoever good that would come out of it. And up to this moment, I stand by my decision.
Last week, my aunt sent me a message asking if I was interested in being set up for a blind date. I gregariously complied despite the half-hearted willingness and disgust that rose in my throat. I've been on a blind date only once, and that happened more than a decade ago. I and the creep that I dated hit it off eventually. It wasn't much of a relationship to begin with. All the while we were together I was wondering why I agreed to get serious with him in the first place. As it turned out, he was no different from the other despicable creatures posing as human beings who crashed into my life and messed it all up.
The split-up was inevitable. Like the others, I caught him red-handed as he was cheating on me. It came as no surprise actually. The minute the truth assaulted me, my mind screamed silently, "I knew it!" And that was just about it.
After driving the knife into that space he occupied in my heart, I bowed my head for a couple of seconds to grieve over the loss of yet another important piece of my being. Then without so much as a sniffle, I proceeded to brace myself for my dead heart's funeral.
It was hard to tell how long the funeral took. As I sat in that emptiness left behind by yet another deadened piece of my heart, I let the blackness take over my thoughts. Thinking of nothing and feeling totally numbed, I wallowed in limbo, not caring nor bothering with what was, is, or would be. I sat there and waited it out. Just waiting and waiting until the blackness has completely obliterated his image from my mind, like it did the others. Only when the memories were reduced to an incoherent blur did I finally stand up, turned around, and moved on with my life. I never dared look back.
But when my aunt had brought up the topic of dating, the memories came flooding back in. The love has long gone, but the memory of the pain and the fear that ensued were as strong as it had been on those days I got my heart killed, piece by piece. Worse still, she even had the gall to tell me how she had jokingly pushed him to "marry me right away."
She passed it off as a joke. Her telling a complete stranger, whose identity and life I could only care less about, to marry her niece was just a silly, lighthearted, innocuous joke. Wow.
I don't know what to think.
I cannot even tell if my heart has managed to heal and grow back the deadened parts I lost to those creeps. Now here comes an exceedingly sympathetic aunt who gives a total stranger the impression that her niece is a lonely tramp desperate to catch the last train to wedded bliss. Heck, she knows nothing of what I've been through. She doesn't have the slightest idea what kind of a person I am behind my usual respectful, amiable smile.
I've just realized: If there is one thing much worse than lamenting the death of your own heart, it is swallowing the insensitivity of the rest of the world that is mocking your loss.
picture courtesy of
http://sites.acjc.edu.sg/wpress/wp-content/uploads/2009/05/funeral.jpg
I have a lot of things going on in my mind right now. Honestly, these past few weeks, the anxiety and insecurity have been nibbling at my sanity that at best, all I could do after work was to drown them by playing Facebook games. Today, I started to continue working on one of my unfinished paintings which my mother hung on the wall by the staircase. I started this a couple of years back if I'm not mistaken. But it wasn't until this morning, after having slept the entire evening(I absented myself from work last night due to a migraine attack) that I finally got around to working on it again. Talk about procrastination to the max lol!
Feeling jittery and uncomfortable, I proceeded to paint. I have been wanting to mix acrylics and gouache, but my acrylic set is missing four color tubes. So I just decided to use gouache only and that was when I found out that unlike acrylic, this medium applies more thickly and is harder to blend. Oh, well, we'll see what turns out when I'm done. Meanwhile, I'll post pictures of the painting's progress to give you an idea how it's coming along.
Thank God, I did some freewriting prior to blogging tonight. Somehow, the exercise has given me a little confidence to forge on with what I want to do which is what I am doing right now after so many attempts to get moving and keep my mind away from the drone of playing computer games. For starters, I guess I would begin to talk about three things I dislike and like about myself. Also, I think that it would also be good to balance this by discussing three things that I am anxious about or afraid of(with the exclusion of paranormal stuff and the likes that is). And to round off this little exercise, I would jot down three things I should be thankful for and three things that I am hopeful for.
At 34, I feel so old already. Even if nothing much has really taken place in my life I feel as if the enthusiasm and interest are slowly slipping away from me. I do hope not. Let me just consider this as a lull, a temporary plateau of sickening boredom that gives a false impression of hopelessness. So to get the ball rolling, I might as well revive my own flagging spirits to keep the passionate naturally quirky me alive.With a current state of mind that exhaustingly darts from one place to the next, I'm pretty sure that self-critical voice at the back of my head could easily fool me into believing that I am just going to botch this whole post if I dare start on it. And in order to keep that voice silent and under my control, I have to do this pick-me-up exercise before I can thoroughly discuss other more substantial matters. It does well to fight off the rising sleepiness and sluggishness. What is more, starting my blogging in this format is one good way, I think, to help open myself up and relax this messed up head of mine.
Hmmmm...I t make sense, doesn't it? Let me cut all this dilly-dallying and get started with this. Maybe you can also try this exercise for yourself. Although it guarantees no drastic changes, it may be able to help unburden you, even if only for a short while. So, let's get it on, shall we?
I like myself for:
1. Being me. I know I've been having this lifelong love-hate relationship with myself, but what the heck? I am my perfectly imperfect self. Perfect in the sense that I am fashioned after my own mold, a state of perfection following a set of uniquely individualized standards solely intended for me and only me; and imperfect because if I were to measure up to others' standards, I'm pretty sure my value would vary greatly and accordingly depending on whose specific standards we're talking about.
2. Being human. It's good to know that I too have my own cross to bear just like everybody else because it gives me a reason to move forward and continue with my struggles. I may be going around in circles or even in the wrong direction, but without something to be stressed about, life would be one BIG BORE. What do you think?
3. Being crazy. By saying crazy, I am referring to the intricate nature and individualized character that is myself. There is nothing lofty nor self-deprecating about admitting that a person is crazy. It is simply a connotative generalized term implying the total package of one's individuality, which includes both his positive and negative traits.
I dislike myself for:
1. Being a procrastinator. I really hate it when I let sluggishness get the better of me.
2. Having little self-discipline. If an almost absent self-discipline does not account for a waistline increase of more than 8 inches...No, let me be more precise: an additional 8 inches to my waistline and more than 20 lbs. weight increase, I don't know what would.
3. Being unable to keep myself from digging up the past. I know, I know...It is suicide to keep unearthing old, painful memories because doing so would only make the wounds bleed again. Try as I might, there are moments when these blasted memories just come barging into my consciousness. And every time they do they always bring back the pain and other negative feelings I felt back then.
I am afraid of::
1. Emptiness. No meaning or anything is just as good as not existing at all.
2. Yielding to the fear. Admitting that I am afraid is different from yielding to the fear. tough times call for courage. Life for me is a matter of sink or swim. And for now, I definitely do not want to get dragged down to its frigid depths.
3. Losing my freedom to think freely. It is enough that I abide by the rules that govern our very social existence. The freedom to think freely is the only way I could fulfill my essence of being. To be deprived of it is just as good as being condemned to death.
I am thankful for:
1. My family. Although my family is more like the unpredictable and quirky Simpsons than the picture perfect Flanders, I am still grateful that we are still complete though my folks are not in good terms most of the time.
2. My God-given talents. They may be the reason why I am always battling a tidal wave of emotions every now and then, but without them I can't imagine how my existence would be possible.
3. The present. Living, breathing, struggling, and thriving in the here and now means that I've survived the obstacles of the past and has been granted yet another wonderful chance at charting my own future.
I am hopeful for:
1. A typhoon and earthquake free country. We have enough personal troubles of our own already. These natural catastrophes has blanketed the entire country with fear.
2. Seriously; world peace, better world economy, a normal climate, and an illness-epidemic-free world.
3. An unrelenting drive to pursue my passions. Using my abilities is something I owe to God and myself.
Here is a photo of my new painting. It has no title yet though, and I'm still planning to use found objects and other mediums aside from gouache. This is supposed to be horizontal not vertical. I don't understand why it uploaded it like that when it's horizontal in my file.
.
My friend Lorrie posted this video on his facebook account, and although I kind of had an idea what it was going to be, I still viewed it. Not that I am not interested, it's just that watching dismal videos or movies really get me down, especially when it is concerning human suffering in any way.
And so I watched it, hardly blinking as the scenes of destruction from various negative forces both natural and human-fostered flashed before me. Surprisingly, I did not feel as terrible as I had expected. Maybe, it's because I have pre-conditioned my mind beforehand, knowing all too well that whatever I would be viewing would really tug hard at my emotions. In doing so, I had subconsciously prepared myself by putting up a kind of barrier in my head, which kept me from getting dragged down as I watched the short flick from beginning to end.
Of the countries in the world that could attest to this kind of dark reality shown in the clip, my motherland is definitely one of them. Included among the list of unfortunate countries in the so called "typhoon belt" and "ring of fire," the Philippines is visited by a minimum of 16 typhoons yearly if I'm not mistaken. Also, we are among the list of countries with 100 active volcanoes to boast of. I'm not sure if these figures are exact. These are what I've been taught in school many years back during my elementary and high school years.
So far this year, we have already had 16 typhoons, 4-5 of them belonging to the dreadful super typhoon group.After the not-so-pleasant surprise that jolted the capital city awake(followed by more powerful ones that struck the provinces) more than a couple of weeks back, we know better now than to be complacent when typhoons, super or not, are predicted by the weather bureau to be making its way here. And if a succession of excessively bad tempered rains and winds are not enough, local authorities have mentioned the possibility of a 7.2 magnitude earthquake hitting the capital and neighboring provinces any time. Add these natural disasters to the prevailing graft and corruption in the government and the on-going battle between Muslim rebels and government troops in Mindanano, and you would be surprised how the Filipinos could still afford to smile and move on with their lives. Good Lord, what have we done to deserve this?
I am scared. But I know we can get through this. Hard as it is for us to understand why God allows these things to happen to innocent people, there is bound to be a very good reason why. Often, the troubles we have are due to ours or others' wrong doing. As to why some of us have to also suffer from the bad consequences of others' irresponsible acts even if we do not have a direct hand in it, I guess we can chalk this up to the ever-important lesson we are still grappling to learn, let alone accept up to now: our lives are interconnected.
With freedom and free will comes the big responsibility to use them wisely. Every time we take advantage of these gifts, we have to exercise responsible judgment to help us determine the repercussions of our actions and decisions. And this is where we all fail from time to time. However, failing is part of human nature. It is acceptable enough to fall flat on our faces when we misjudge or miscalculate the details surrounding our actions and decisions. But what is so pathetic and definitely embarrassing is to fall twice, thrice, or more over the exact same mistake. Needless to say, it only goes to show that we haven't learned the lesson at all. Either this or we get a sick kick out of doing wrong and hurting others in the process.
So we are living on the eve of destruction. Are we? I can't answer that. Neither can anyone else. None of us is in the position to do so actually. We can only see so far. At best, we can only surmise and predict about the future. But we could never justify any of them no matter what we do. Come to think of it, rain or shine, the world would continue to turn. Despite our speculations and contradictions, events both good and bad would take place because they have already been set by our past. The only choices we have now are to choose which side of the world to focus on: the good reality or the bad one, and to take the responsibility to make the best of today, so as to usher in an auspicious tomorrow for all of us.
If you ask me, I still believe in the good and the beautiful. No matter how bad things get, goodness would never be obliterated. Like black and white, they go hand in hand. One can't exist without the other. Being part of the entire system of life, this absolute truth is beyond our control regardless of how hard we try to fool ourselves into believing that we could. Yet we do have the say in which one we would like to place our hopes on. It' really just as simple as choosing to see the glass as half full rather than half empty.
I know that whatever excuse I give would never be considerable enough to explain why I have been such a bad blogger. Should I blame Farmville and Cafeworld for my long absence from the blogosphere? No. That would be very lame, shameful even. I know that starting this blogsite requires me to maintain it by stocking it with pictures of my creations and at least one entry daily. But I did neither of those for the past two weeks or so. I'm very sorry.
Okay. So I promise to change. And this time I am bound to keep it(unlike the many diets I have forgone after making the initial effort and succeeding in the first few weeks). Honestly, I am really keeping this one, for real. I am not going to throw away the chance to share myself with others through my writings and my art.
Would you believe that I've just had my paycheck a couple of days ago and now I barely have enough to sustain my meals for the coming workweek? What happened to my salary? I paid bills, bought groceries, and did nothing else. So where did the rest of my hard earned money go?
Fortunately, I still have classes tomorrow and during the weekdays. The pay I would get from them would suffice to tide me over until the next payday. I still have to meet my mom at the doctor's clinic later. After her consultation, we would go straight to my aunt's house for my cousin's birthday celebration.This is going to be one veeerrryyy long day.
Lest I forget, I would try to give a theme to my entries every day. I already have an online journal, so I don't really have to confine myself to just rambling about my not-so-exciting life here. Didi I say not-so-exciting? I should not! In fact, I should never ever say such stupid things again. The last time I complained of enduring yet another lazy Sunday, the typhoon struck the following weekend and needless to say, I've had one of the worst Sundays I've had in my life.
So I was stranded for seven hours on that fateful Saturday as the 6 hour torrential rain was drenching the metro to the point of drowning it in muck and filthy flood waters. However, as terrible as that ordeal had been, my experience is but a tap on the shoulder compared to the tragic fate of some of my country men who had to lose not only their homes, but also their loved ones. I feel so sorry for them, but I can't help but be grateful that I and my family had been spared.
Now, going back to my promise, the once-bad-blogger would atone for her laziness and absence by making the needed changes starting tomorrow morning. To keep the suspense, I would keep it a secret until tomorrow morning. For now, I have to grab a bite or else my tummy would punish me later on.
Would you ever dare to look beyond tomorrow?
Please do tell me what lies ahead.
Gripped in fear I sit here speechless,
listless and cold despite the burning anxiety.
Still yet trembling so badly inside.
Curious as I am, fear has got my eyes covered.
I desperately want to see;
I desperately want to know.
But I am too afraid to even take a peek.
Oh, God help us all...
The heavens are lamenting once more.
Can't you hear its anguish in the wind?
Listen to its howling outside.
They say it won't be long now.
By tomorrow the wind's wrath would be upon us.
And he would deal us a worse punishment.
Worse than the six hour hell the rains had plunged us into.
Worse than this blanket of sorrow we are struggling against.
Worse than the filthy waters that drowned our laughter.
Whose life would the wind take this time?
Whose heart would be shattered for tomorrow's sacrifice?
So, would you tell me what you see beyond tomorrow?
If ever beyond still exists by then.
